Niels Bohr

Ahem,

Never has a man influenced physics so profoundly as Niels Bohr in the early 1900's.
Going back to this time period, little was known about atomic structure; Bohr set out
to end the obscurity of physics. However, things didn't come easy for Bohr. He had to
give up most of his life for physics and research of many hypothesis. But, this is why
you and I have even heard of the quantum theory and atomic structures. Bohr came
up with his quantum theory while studying at Cambridge. Bohr was a skeptic and he
never truly believed in Max Planck's old quantum theory. He put forth the idea that,
going from one high-energy orbit to a lower one, an electron could, in fact be trying
to emit a quantum of discrete energy. Bohr was criticized for this idea, but he didn't
let up. Soon after, Bohr said his famed quote, "If quantum mechanics hasn't shocked
you, you haven't understood it yet." This quote is extremely famous and has gone
down as the motto for quantum physicists around the world. Understandably, Bohr
never won a Nobel Prize outside of physics (of which he only won one). Bohr's still
going strong with his theories on atomic structure; he allowed for hundreds of scientists
to fully experiment with the cell and its many components. Bohr was largely on the
run from the Nazis when he came up with this discovery, which is amazing because
around this time, Bohr's home country of Denmark was invaded by the Nazis. Bohr
and Ernest Rutherford are given credit, but it is believed that Rutherford decided to
desert Bohr in the middle of their work. Rutherford once, quite famously said that
you should never bet against the wonders of science. Niels Bohr's famous career
never really kicked off until he was forty years old. Most other major scientists were
going all over the world with their ideas by their early twenties. However, in order
to preserve the legacy of Niels Bohr, he has his own institution, whose goal is to
make many more great strides in the field of physics for years. How did Bohr affect
you and me? Without Niels Bohrs' more advanced atomic theory, we might as well
cry over how little we know of the atoms and their compounds. Physics would have
never been such a force in today's society. However, to this day, research is still
going on to improve and update the atomic theory. Although scientists clearly want
to improve oh Bohr's ideas will never be improved upon, todays society cannot say
goodbye to an opportunity to improve our understanding of the sciences. If Bohr
never had silenced his critics, we would still be following Planck's theories, and
going on incomplete information. Bohr's later life was all occupied when he decided
to go back to Denmark and head the Royal Danish Academy. His main goal was to
tell the world of the greatness of the Danish Sciences and most likely to educate
a new crop of scientists for years to come. There is controversy surrounding Bohr's
lie during his stint in the Manhattan project. Though he claimed to be anti-violence
and a peace-seeker, Bohr engineered on the Manhattan Project. Though he didn't
hurt anyone directly, thousands of people died. Niels Bohr opened many doors for
you and I in the physics world, and he will go down as one of the greatest physicists. 


You folks just got Rick Rolled while learning about physics. You're welcome.

The candycanes will wreck y'all's bowels

(Update 3/12/14): I wrote most of this Monday morning, and it is now Wednesday afternoon.

Hello friends. I have realized something about this blog of mine. I started it because I wanted to write a bunch of funny short stories that people could either relate to or laugh at. And instead, I've been using is as my own personal diary. I apologize for that, I will try my very hardest to start writing more short stories. That being said, lets talk about my weekend.

My weekend, was one of the best weekends of my entire life; and I am not exaggerating. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

I had a date with my best friend turned love interest, Hanna. I didn't make reservations anywhere, I didn't even know where I was going to take her. So I said to myself "maybe it would be more personal if I invited her over to my apartment and cooked for her." I know that my cousin/roommate wouldn't be home, so I went for it. Let me preface this by saying, I wanted to impress her when she came over. I'm not exaggerating when I say I spent 3-4 hours cleaning the ENTIRE apartment. Suffice to say, this place looked like I had just moved in it was so clean. She came over and I attempted to cook something from scratch that I had never even cooked before: jambalaya. She sat at the bar area and we talked about school, work, family, tv shows, a whole litany of things while I cooked. Not to toot my own horn, but the food came out perfect. Now, brace yourself for what I am about to say. I have cooked for girls before, and they aren't very good at hiding the fact that they didn't like my cooking. They take a few bites and suddenly "they aren't hungry anymore." I swear to you that when I say I ate one plate of jambalaya and Hanna ate three plates, I am not lying. NO girl would eat three plates of shitty food just to avoid hurting my feelings. She enjoyed it and I enjoyed watching her scarf it down like a homeless person. After that, we just shot the shit and watched tv, I had some beer and she had some wine. Poor girl must not watch much tv. I introduced her to House of Cards, True Detective, Dexter, and Whose Line is it Anyway? We pretty much talked the entire time so I'm not sure how much information she retained from the shows, but whatever. After that, it was very late. I walked her to her car, we hugged, and she drove home.

Saturday, we decided to go out and do stuff, despite the shitty weather. I didn't have money to shop, but I guess you could say I went shopping with her. We went and saw The Grand Budapest Hotel (amazing movie, go see it), we went to the Dallas World Aquarium, went bowling, and then went to The Boiled Owl for a while. Now, before you ask, I should address something. I mainly take pictures of 2 things: my son and my dogs. That's it. When I'm out with friends, I don't take pictures. Because they rarely do either. I just enjoy the moment. With each day, I grow more frustrated with social media because it's turned into a place where people try to impress other people. Honestly, how much fun are you actually having if you're on facebook, bragging about how much fun you're having? And why are you taking a million pictures? You're at a bar taking pictures of you and your group, who are you trying to impress? And who would be impressed by that? No one. No one cares. I know I had fun this weekend, when I was with Hanna, I had completely forgotten that I even had my phone on me, because neither of us used our phones the entire time we were together. And Hanna doesn't even use social media, so why should I?

Anyway, we didn't hang out Sunday, which was kind of sad. She had to work most of the day and I didn't really have any spending money either. We just texted some, whenever she had the chance. We aren't dating. We didn't kiss at all this weekend, even though I think if I went in for it, she wouldn't have been surprised or disgusted or whatever. Do you ever get that sixth sense about these kind of things? Like, I could sense that she wanted to kiss (I think) but we didn't, and neither of us brought it up. The truth is, and I'm not embarrassed to say this, I am afraid to officially ask her out to be my girlfriend. Because she is my best friend and I don't want to lose her. If I ask her out and she says no, it will not only ruin our friendship, but it will break my heart. And things will never be the same ever again. I'm also afraid of putting a label on it. Because if she were to say yes, then it's defined. And I don't know if either of us are ready for that right now. Meeting each other's families, spending all our free time together, moving in together. I'm confident that it would work out, I just want to be careful. Right now, I just want to have fun with her, and whatever happens, happens.

Can hardly contain myself

Man, I nailed that Spanish presentation. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but it did seem like I was the ONLY one who actually put in some effort to not only my powerpoint, but memorizing my whole speech. I was the only who didn't say "uh" during my speech. And everyone liked seeing my 5 German Shepherds.

And I can't contain my excitement because I may have found someone. I've known Hanna for almost a year now, we met in a macroeconomics class here at UTA. Funny how after being friends for a year, we're starting to like each other now. She isn't going anywhere for spring break, she has to work and has midterms RIGHT after spring break, which kind of sucks. But even then, I'm not going anywhere for spring break either. I'd rather just hang out with her every day, which we already almost do. I'm going out with her tonight, and I feel like a little boy with butterflies in my stomach. She's one of the very few people who likes me for who I am, flaws and all. And that just makes me attracted to her even more. Because I like her for who she is, too.

After this class, I have to head back to my parent's house to pick up a package sent there. Also, I want to check up on my father and my dogs. Make sure everything is okay. I guess we're at that point now where me and my sister need to start checking on them occasionally, just to make sure everything is okay. And I don't mind doing that at all. Taking care of 5 German Shepherds is just like taking care of 5 little kids. Except one (Lexi) is practically still a baby.

Anyway, I'm happy, man. I nailed my midterms, I've got a really awesome best friend who likes me, great friends, and great families. I even downloaded a shitload of movies (Gravity, 12 Years a Slaves, Dallas Buyers Club, etc.) to watch this weekend with Hanna. I'm very excited, can't wait for what the future brings.

Happy Helix Day!

So, while I've got a moment, I'd like to catch the very few people (if any) up on current and future affairs. Next week is Mid-Terms, and the week after that is Spring Break. So I probably will not have any time to blog during the next two weeks, so allow me to unload everything now.

I finished my story!
"What? You've been writing a story?"
"Yes, idiot, where have you been?"

Okay, that was a little mean. Truth is, I've only told a select few people that I've been working on a short story for the past month. And honestly? I don't want to talk about it until it's finished. Because when I try to describe my story to people, it's incredibly hard to explain. Because it's not my story, it's our story. Mine and a roughly ~40 million people's story. Did I lose you? Good. Here's all I can say about it right now:

It's a story about a boy named Red. Red does not control himself. Red is controlled by anywhere between 1-125,000 people at any given time.

And that's all I can say! I know, it sounds stupid, but give a chance you assholes. Last night, I officially "finished" the story. And to be honest, it felt very strange. Why? Because I didn't want it to end. I had grown emotionally attached to this story for a month. I didn't want to stop writing it. I couldn't even sleep last night because I couldn't believe that it was finished. Even now, I'm paranoid that the ending wasn't fulfilling enough. That I rushed it. But just because the story is "finished" doesn't mean it's "complete". Does that make sense? I kind of have a sloppy writing process, this story is most likely riddled with spelling and punctuation errors. Syntax and formatting errors. And Christ, I haven't even started working on the illustrations yet. That's not true, I've got a few pictures but not many. I'm going to try and completely finish this story by the end of spring break at the latest. There are certain people that I am very excited to share this with.

Moving on to some other shit. I don't sleep well. Hanna (a girl) remarked that I always look tired. That I always have bags under my eyes. Well Hanna (same girl), it's true. I have bad sleeping habits, I wake up early and go to bed late. I very rarely take naps. I walk a few miles a day, sometimes I stay out late with friends. Or sometimes, I just stay up late studying or reading, what college kid hasn't had an all-nighter at the library before? Anyway, I'd like to change that. I'm tired of being tired. What's more, I'm tired of people telling me I look tired because I'm tired. No shit.

Uh what else? I was supposed to have plans over spring break. But it turns out I have no money lol. I mean, I have money. How else would I pay for rent, child support, and groceries? I don't really have any spending money. Not enough to go on vacation, even for a few days. And I don't really care that I don't have plans for spring break. Those of you who are going away for spring break, have fun! Really, I'm not bitter in that way. I want other people to have fun and enjoy their time off. Me? I'm going to be working! Hard labor type shit, like replacing an entire fence by myself. Nothing wrong with that, I need the money. And cleaning out some garages that badly need to be cleaned out. Like, these are the garages that should have been cleaned out a decade ago, but it's only gotten worse since then. Other than that, just take it day by day. Hang out with people who stayed behind and we can do boring shit together like play Nintendo 64 games. Honestly, I don't know what I would do with a sudden vast amount of money to spend on whatever I want. I guess I would buy a few new clothes, maybe some new shoes. When you walk to school every day, after a while, the soles on your already old shoes just get obliterated. and Dr. Scholls insoles can only help so much. And the speakers in my car are starting to make that clicking noise. I guess after 13 years of blaring loud, bass-driven music, any speakers will start to disintegrate. So I might get a cheap sound system put in. They'll probably get stolen though, so what's the point?

Anything else? I don't even have a full time job and I feel like I'm busy all the time. I have a kind-of part time job (hard to explain, don't ask) but even then, it doesn't take up a lot of my time. So what's my point? The point is, for a very long time, I've been making time for only certain people. BUT (I guess after I had finished my silly story last night) I had a revelation. I've been making time for people who don't deserve my time. And I've been not making time for people who do deserve my time. It's hard to accept that that's just the way things have been for so long, and it feels weird to think any other way. Humans are creatures of habit. We don't like to change our daily routines. I am no exception, there are some people who don't return the kindness or attention that I give them, and there are certain people that are still friends with me, even when I always tell them "nah, I don't want to hang out" time after time again. So pretty much, I'm done putting up with people's shit lol.

Of course, I'm not talking to any one specific person or group in this blog. Mainly, I'm just talking to myself. The main purpose of this blog is for myself. Organizing my thoughts in a more appropriate way than just yelling or venting at someone when something is on my mind. Ever since high school, I've lost a lot of friends because I didn't make a conscious effort to keep in touch with them or whatever. After I quit working at Best Buy, I did a better job at keeping a lot of my friends who I worked with. To this day, I am still good friends with a lot of them, and I keep in touch with them regularly. And today, even after I changed majors, I am still friends with most of my business major comrades. I intend on making new Criminal Justice friends in the future, but there's no rush.

The group of friends I have right now are great. Seriously, if any of you ever actually read this, I sincerely thank you for keeping me sane and being there for me when I need you. I would be lost without you guys (and girls). (And this part is just for myself) And for those of you that I used to be friends with but am no longer acquainted with, I'm sorry. Sorry that we got out of touch and stopped being friends. It was nothing personal (well, maybe on a few occasions), that's just what happens when two people walk two completely different paths. There's a reason why Anakin and Obi-Wan didn't stay friends (nailed it).

Ah, well I feel better now that I've typed out this long "Dear Diary" entry that, chances are, only I will ever read. But that's okay. Me and my sub-conscious talk to each other all the time, it's nice to let him out every once in a while and let his voice be heard. Now, it's bath time with my Nick (that was one letter away from being a completely different sentence)! And maybe after, we'll watch Pokemon together. It's on Netflix now apparently, and I feel the strong desire to watch the show that I was obsessed with as a child with my child. See if he likes it as much as I did.

Bye!

I am the god of my own universe.

Valentine's Day is just a scam perpetrated by the floral industrial complex. I hate valentine's day. And I'm not saying that because I'm bitter. Even if I had a girlfriend, I would probably only get her stuff because I felt obligated to do so. Wouldn't want her to feel left out, blah blah blah. But I would do so lovingly. Trust me, if I don't want to get someone something, I won't. And sometimes I just buy shit for people for no reason whatsoever other than I want to. I'm selfishly unselfish, if that makes sense. Most of the time, I would rather get someone else something than get myself something. Something about seeing the surprised look on their face just makes my insides feel warm.

I was going to have lunch with a pretty girl today, too. I think the fact that it was valentine's day and we're both single is just coincidence. I don't know if she viewed it as a "date" or not. I didn't. I look at it as lunch. We both have to eat right? Why not eat together? That kind of mentality is healthy I think. Because most women misinterpret the word "date". So I try not to use it, ever. I think the miscommunication is if you ask someone "hey, want to go on a date" they might think "oh god, he loves me." or "he just wants to have sex with me". So I just ask them if they want to get food. And don't really care if they view it as a date or not, because I sure as hell don't. As far as I'm concerned, that word isn't even in my vocabulary. Anyway, oh yeah I cancelled on her. Not cancel, postpone until next weekend. I just didn't feel like going out for lunch with a pretty girl to be honest. My mind just isn't in the right place right now. I have tests, research papers, homework, oral presentations, and a lot of personal shit going on. Hopefully by next weekend, I will be a little less stressed out. Surprisingly, she understood and didn't seem upset at all. Win.


What else? Oh yeah, I get to go to Nick's valentine's party at school today. That should be fun I suppose. Nick will be there and he's my favorite person so it shouldn't be too bad. I actually don't mind kids. I'm not crazy about kids, but I definitely don't hate kids. I suppose it should be important to look at these kids as his friends and that I should like them. And try to get to know the parents of those kids in case he gets invited to parties or something.

Anything else? I have 2 hours before the party, so I still need to go buy candy or something to bring the little children. I still need to eat (why did I cancel lunch) and do some studying for the Deviance test on Monday morning. It's supposed to be a really f*cking nice weekend weather wise. I'm just gonna sit in the backyard, study Deviance shit, listen to blues music, and watch Nick play with the dogs. Pertaining to the title of this post, I am the god of my own universe. I control my own destiny.

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

I'm watching a documentary on Netflix about a serial killer from 1928 named Carl Panzram. I've always had a strange fascination with learning about serial killers. I guess because I could never see myself doing what they do. I don't regret changing my majors at all. I'm not good at math at all, so engineering wouldn't have worked out at all. And I grew to hate business, mainly because I didn't want to be stuck behind a desk my whole life. I imagine everyone I know who has desk jobs. Can you imagine sitting behind a desk and a keyboard, day after day, daydreaming and staring out the window on a bright and sunny day wishing you were outside? That's me. Also, I needed to have a career in which I directly help people. Business majors don't help people, unless you're a financial consultant or something like that (which I didn't want to be). Also, what a lot of people don't realize is that no matter what major you choose pertaining to business, you're going to be doing math. A lot of math. Whether you choose accounting, finance, economics, statistics, marketing, management, information systems, whatever. Not engineering level mathematics, but enough to make me think to myself "I don't want to do math my entire life. I need to choose a major that makes me happy, not one that has a good salary." When I changed my major to Criminal Justice, I didn't look at salaries. Not until the day before I told my family, because I knew they would ask "How much do _______ make?" They weren't angry or upset at my changing of majors. They support me and want me to do what makes me happy. However, when I told them I wanted to be a detective, they started giving me flack. They're worried that I'm going to be killed. We could all be killed every single day, just by getting in our cars and driving to work. You can't have that mindset that "something bad might happen" otherwise, you would never leave your house. My dad wants me to be a Game Warden or a Park Ranger, which I'm not against. My mom and sister want me to be a paralegal, which I have considered. However, paralegals are stuck behind a desk all day, doing research for cases that lawyers take to court. So while you're staying up all night writing a report, the lawyers get all the glory. I'm not against it, its just not what I want to do at this point in time. I want to help people. I want to make the world a better place, if I can. I want my son to tell all his friends at school that his daddy is a police officer. I want people to be proud of me. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I don't care about money anymore. It's more about the impact that you make on people's lives. A hundred  years from now, no one is going to remember me whether I was a cop or a marketer. So why not do what makes me happy? Why not make a direct impact on people's lives instead of trying to take their money by making stupid ads that no one cares about?

I don't have my priorities straight. But I'm trying. I'm human, I make a lot of mistakes. This isn't one of them. The important people in my life understand. Those who matter, don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.

Cold and Diligent

It was 20 degrees when I left for school this morning. Way too damn cold, especially when I had to walk a mile to get there and a mile to get back. Upon my return to the apartment, I immediately cranked the heat up. I don't care if I have to pay a little extra $ to run the heat, I want to be warm.

Anyways, I haven't blogged for a while simply because I haven't thought much about it. It was somehow brought up in my Sociology class so I was reminded to keep up with it. I actually have several drafts that I end up never posting, probably because they're nothing but incomplete momentary thoughts and feelings. I may actually post this one.

The next couple of weeks are going to be busy busy. Lots of homework in Spanish, including a test next Wednesday along with our second Spanish diary (Mi diario, see I'm learning!). I've succeeded in making two new friends in my Spanish class, John and David. Test next week in Sociology: Deviance as well. If I feel worried it's only because he hasn't told us what is going to be on the test. "Chapters 1 through 3" doesn't really explain what we should spend the most of our study time preparing for. Do we need to know names? Dates? Theories? What? I'll just need to study for a few hours every day until the test next Friday. And then there's Criminal Investigation, probably a test in 1-2 weeks. Blue books, that should be interesting. So that's pretty much what's going on in school right now. I'm enjoying my classes for the most past, excited about Criminal Justice and where it might take me. Oh yes, I'm in the midst of writing an article, hoping to be published somewhere. The topic is Deviance in Society where I talk about the TSA, NSA, Edward Snowden, Homosexuality, Breaking Bad, Shark Week, Gun Violence, Justin Bieber, the Olympics, President Obama, Philip Seymour Hoffman, etc. I know it all seems random, but it's not. I'm sure when I finish it, I will post it here.

After re-watching 'It Might Get Loud' recently, I've decided to revamp my music library entirely. Not that I don't enjoy heavy metal, I love it. But I'm in this weird phase of listening to classic rock (mostly Led Zeppelin) and blues. Mix it a little bit of classical music with some old classics (The Temptations) and you've got one kickass playlist that will make you feel a litany of different emotions in only a few songs. Right now I'm listening to the Footloose soundtrack. Why? BECAUSE KEVIN BACON. Also, does anyone want to reenact the scene from Top Gun where they play volleyball? I love that song.

I'm going to run to the store now. Not literally, I'm going to drive. If I can think of anything to add to this, I'll put some more up later. I think I'll listen to Chopin's Nocturnes while at the store. Yes, good choice.

Edit: I went to the store earlier. Decided to listen to Bach instead of Chopin. I left at like 1:00 and didn't get back until after dark. People always want to hang out when I have other stuff I want to do. I am reaching my breaking point when it comes to my complex's shitty internet. Never, ever, use Pavlov Media as your internet provider. They fucking suck. I've called them twice telling them exactly that, and when they tell me they'll fix it, they never do. I never had this problem last year, but this year it is unbearable. When I get my new place this summer, I am going with AT&T U-verse. I don't care if I have to shell out a good bit of money for it. Paying for blazing fast internet is infinitely better than shitty, doesn't work most of the time, "complimentary" free internet. 

I guess I'll go hang out at Garry's place. I don't know if anyone else is going to be there, but his internet is really fast and his dog is cool.

Responsibility

I have repeatedly discovered that it is important for me not to surpass my capacity for responsibility. Over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it have not changed.

Normally, my capacity is exceeded gradually, through the accumulation of simple, daily tasks.

But a few times a year, I spontaneously decide that I'm ready to be a real adult. I don't know why I decide this; it always ends terribly for me. But I do it anyway. I sit myself down and tell myself how I'm going to start cleaning the house every day and paying my bills on time and replying to emails before my inbox reaches quadruple digits. Schedules are drafted. Day-planners are purchased. I stock up on fancy food because I'm also planning on morphing into a master chef and actually cooking instead of just eating nachos for dinner every night. I prepare for my new life as an adult like some people prepare for the apocalypse.

The first day or two of my plans usually goes okay.

SCHOOL!

Go to the motherfucking BANK like an ADULT!

GROCERY SHOPPING!

CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

For a little while, I actually feel grown-up and responsible. I strut around with my head held high, looking the other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glance that says "I understand. I'm responsible now too. Just look at my groceries."

At some point, I start to feel self-congratulatory.

This is a mistake.

I begin to feel like I've accomplished my goals. It's like I think adulthood is something that can be earned like a trophy in one monumental burst of effort and then admired and coveted for the rest of one's life.

What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts. 

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it.  The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination.  It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.  

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility.  It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP. 

At some point in this endlessly spiraling disaster, I am forced to throw all of my energy into trying to be an adult again, just to dig myself out of the pit I've fallen into. The problem is that I enter this round of attempted adulthood already burnt out from the last round. I can't not fail.  

study :(

bank :(

grocery shopping :(

clean all the things? :(

It always ends the same way. Slumped and haggard, I contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me.

School?

And then I rebel.

No...

INTERNET!

FOREVER...

Thoughts and Feelings

I have a subconscious list of rules for how reality should work. I did not develop these rules on purpose, and most of them don't make sense - which is disturbing when you consider that they are an attempt to govern the behavior of reality - but they exist, and they play a large role in determining how I react to the things that happen to me. Large enough that a majority of the feelings I feel are simply a reaction to reality not complying with my arbitrary set of rules.

Example:
Rule: Push button, thing happens.

Pushed button.

Thing did not happen.

Angry at button.


Reality doesn't give a shit about my rules, and this upsets me. Not to a great degree. Not even to an obvious degree. But when reality disobeys my rules, detectable levels of disappointment, and frustration are produced.

And to me, it feels perfectly logical to be feeling those things. But if someone were to observe me in my natural environment - having all the thoughts and feelings my natural environment causes me to have - I would seem much less logical. In fact, I might seem sort of like a wild animal trying to adapt to an alternate reality that is somehow became trapped in.

But there's a definite pattern to these illogical internal reactions, and, theoretically, over weeks and months, a dedicated outside observer could piece together a crude understanding of my rules and the ways in which I attempt to impose them upon reality.

What is it doing and why is it doing it?

Subject R153

Observational period: 5/3/13-7/25/13

5/16/13

It was windy today. Subject decided that maybe it was windier than it had ever been before.

Looked up weather report online. Only 17 mile per hour wind.

• Subject disappointed by this.
• Wanted to be impressed.
• Feels cheated.
• Wonders in weather report was rigged.

"Estimated range of impressive wind speeds: 90 mph - 150 mph.


I seem to spend a lot of time being mildly disappointed by things that aren't actually disappointing. They appear disappointing, though, because I'm constantly trying to be impressed or surprised by everything. I get a rush from encountering unexpectedly exceptional things. Even if I hate the thing, I still get a rush from discovering that it's exceptionally bad. I could be injured and bleeding, but if I were bleeding a surprising amount, I would feel sort of excited about it.

I love the feeling of being impressed so much that I actively seek it out. When something seems like it might be surprising and then isn't, I feel tricked. Like the thing led me on and made me think I was going to be surprised, and then, at the last second, it revoked it's promise.

The expectation of surprise isn't even necessary to create disappointment, though. Sometimes all that needs to happen is that I expect something - anything, really - and then that thing doesn't happen.


6/03/13

Subject went outside today. Saw object in peripheral vision that was roughly the same shape as an animal. Object turned out to be a pile of dirt.

• Subject disappointed.
• Wanted it to be animal.
• Becomes aware of object ---> decides it is an animal ---> looks at it to make sure ---> not an animal ---> disappointed.
• Subject must be thrilled about seeing animals if this disappointed about not seeing them. ???
• Subject saw an actual animal and did not appear excited.

5/29/13

For unknown reason, subject is almost always impatient to get into house. Is caught off guard by having to unlock door.

• Plan: Go into house ---> be inside house.
• Plan does not account for time it takes to unlock door.

I don't like being inconvenienced, and I especially don't like being inconvenienced too many times in a row. If something I don't like happens, then several more things that I don't like happen directly afterward, that is too many. They shouldn't cluster like that. Unfortunately, that's just how probability works.

5/24/13

The subject is having a bad day (subject does not like this day).

• Has a headache.
• Had to drive to grocery store first thing in the morning because out of half and half for coffee (already disadvantaged by headache. Should not have to do this.)
• There was a strong breeze, which made driving inconvenient.
• Had to wait in line slightly longer than normal.
• Starting raining on drive back.
• Felt extremely unfair.
• Like being persecuted.
• Weather is being unfair to the subject.
• Subject later struggled to open the half and half, mangling the spout in the process. Felt the carton should have been more cooperative. Already bad day. Headache. Wind. No time for carton's bullshit.
• Subject angrily whispering "why are you doing this?" at carton. Carton doesn't have a reason.
• As subject was drinking coffee, smoke alarm started to beep intermittently to indicate low battery. Too many things the subject didn't like had happened in a row.
• Subject so mad. Demanding "STOP IT!! GOD DAMN IT!!! STUPID BROKEN SHITFUCKER BULLSHIT SMOKE ALARM! DO YOU WANT ME TO LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND???"
• Mad.
• Yelling at smoke alarm, presumably in an attempt to punish it.

I am incensed that reality has the audacity to do some of the things it does when I CLEARLY don't want those things to happen.

7/2/13

An especially upsetting event occurred today: A garbage truck awakened the subject several hours before subject planned to be awake. Subject HATES the garbage truck for what it has done. Hates it so much that it had to get up and look at it. Stood at window looking at garbage truck and hating it.

This behavior appears to be a sort of punishment. The subject dislikes the sound the garbage tuck is making and is trying to hurt the garbage truck with its mind. This allows subject to feel in control of the situation. Like justice is occurring.

• Wanted to see the garbage truck.
• Subject attempting to punish garbage truck.
• The garbage truck does not appear to be affected.

It feels unfair when the other things in the world refuse to be governed by my justice system. To be fair, though, my concept of "fairness" is sort of questionable on the way reality actually works.

6/21/13

Subject has found a picture of an otter. Picture caused subject to feel strong feelings. Loved the otter. Agitated because cannot interact with the otter. Otter is not real. Will never interact with it. Subject feels this is not fair.

• Otter has betrayed subject by living in ocean and not magazine.

When something feels unfair, there's an application that an equal and opposite fair thing could have happened instead. What does the subject believe would be fair in this situation?

• Otter should have been real?
• Otters should not live so far away?
• Photographs should be real things and not just pictures of real things?
• Should have been portal to ocean so could shoot through & find otter?

But my rules don't account for that. I just make them up and expect them to be followed without considering how that is supposed to work. I make up new rules all the time.

"Subject doesn't like it when it is 100 degrees. Thinks this temperature shouldn't exist."

I don't even know about some of them until they are broke.

6/29/13

Subject was eating dinner at a restaurant alone. Had four chairs, only using one. Doesn't even notice other chairs until someone asks to use them. Subject suddenly becomes instinctually possessive of chairs. Feels like being robbed of opportunities. What if wants chairs back later?

• Subject agreed to let other person use chairs even though didn't want to.
• Subject can see the other people enjoying the chairs.
• Those are not their chairs, though.

My rules are inconsistent and weirdly specific, but it's still disconcerting for me when I have to watch as the other things in the world break them.

7/3/13

Subject looked outside this morning and discovered an unfamiliar vehicle parked sort of in front of house. What was it doing there? Would it be there every day? Subject didn't want vehicle to be there, but vehicle not actually doing anything wrong, so forced to endure it being there.

• Feels helpless to stop vehicle from being there. Cannot do anything about presence of vehicle.
• Vehicle was still there two hours later.

I don't like when I can't control what reality is doing. Which is unfortunate because reality works independently of the things I want, and I have only a limited number of ways to influence it, none of which are guaranteed to work.

I still want to keep tabs on reality, though. Just in case it tries to do anything sneaky. It makes me feel like I'm contributing. The illusion of control makes the helplessness seem more palatable. And when that illusion is taken away, I panic.

7/14/13

It is dark. Subject cannot see what reality is doing. May attempt to do something bad while unsupervised.

Because, deep down, I know how pointless and helpless I am, and it scares me. I am an animal trapped in a horrifying, lawless environment, and I have no idea what it's going to do to me. It just DOES it to me.

"What is reality going to do next?"

I cope with that the best way I know - by being completely unreasonable and trying to force everything else in the world to obey me and do all the nonsensical things I want. And I am embarrassed by how silly I look while I am unsuccessfully attempting to enact justice. It makes me feel ridiculous - like maybe I'm not actually very powerful.

7/10/13

Caught subject trying to punish birds today. Subject was mad at the birds because it needed to concentrate and birds were making too many sounds. Was thinking very bad things about the birds. This did not affect the birds in any way.

• Thinking bad things directly at the birds.
• The birds continued to make as many sounds as they wanted.

I'm glad there's no one else to witness me in these moments because I know what I am and I know what I'm trying to do, and that is shameful enough. I would be horrified to discover that someone was observing me with the intention of learning about my silly rules, and further observation would become very challenging because of all the fleeing and hiding.

7/23/13

Subject has become suspicious. Senses that is is being observed. Humiliated by self. Tried to hide behind couch so no one could see.

4:56 pm.

Subject still hiding behind couch. Can't see what it is doing.

4:58 pm.

Tried to sneak closer, subject fled.

• Doesn't want anyone to see.
• Running away.

6:10 pm.

Subject not cooperating with research. Has just been running away, making terrified noises.

• Subject is very fast when scared.

10:18 pm.

Subject has been cornered in an abandoned warehouse. Finally research can continue!

7:23 am.

Subject held perfectly still and didn't do or think anything for nine straight hours. May have continued doing this indefinitely if observation had not been discontinued due to concerns about dehydration.

And this is possibly the most humiliating thing of all. That I am so embarrassed about how embarrassing I am. As if I've got some sort of dignity to protect. Because I am a serious, dignified person. And I don't want anyone to know I'm not.

• On the lookout for threats to dignity. Must be vigilant. Must protect dignity.
• Doesn't actually have any dignity, but doesn't know that.

They took you, Nightman
And you don't belong to them
They left me in a world of darkness
Without your sexy hands
And I miss you, Nightman
So bad...