Thoughts and Feelings

I have a subconscious list of rules for how reality should work. I did not develop these rules on purpose, and most of them don't make sense - which is disturbing when you consider that they are an attempt to govern the behavior of reality - but they exist, and they play a large role in determining how I react to the things that happen to me. Large enough that a majority of the feelings I feel are simply a reaction to reality not complying with my arbitrary set of rules.

Example:
Rule: Push button, thing happens.

Pushed button.

Thing did not happen.

Angry at button.


Reality doesn't give a shit about my rules, and this upsets me. Not to a great degree. Not even to an obvious degree. But when reality disobeys my rules, detectable levels of disappointment, and frustration are produced.

And to me, it feels perfectly logical to be feeling those things. But if someone were to observe me in my natural environment - having all the thoughts and feelings my natural environment causes me to have - I would seem much less logical. In fact, I might seem sort of like a wild animal trying to adapt to an alternate reality that is somehow became trapped in.

But there's a definite pattern to these illogical internal reactions, and, theoretically, over weeks and months, a dedicated outside observer could piece together a crude understanding of my rules and the ways in which I attempt to impose them upon reality.

What is it doing and why is it doing it?

Subject R153

Observational period: 5/3/13-7/25/13

5/16/13

It was windy today. Subject decided that maybe it was windier than it had ever been before.

Looked up weather report online. Only 17 mile per hour wind.

• Subject disappointed by this.
• Wanted to be impressed.
• Feels cheated.
• Wonders in weather report was rigged.

"Estimated range of impressive wind speeds: 90 mph - 150 mph.


I seem to spend a lot of time being mildly disappointed by things that aren't actually disappointing. They appear disappointing, though, because I'm constantly trying to be impressed or surprised by everything. I get a rush from encountering unexpectedly exceptional things. Even if I hate the thing, I still get a rush from discovering that it's exceptionally bad. I could be injured and bleeding, but if I were bleeding a surprising amount, I would feel sort of excited about it.

I love the feeling of being impressed so much that I actively seek it out. When something seems like it might be surprising and then isn't, I feel tricked. Like the thing led me on and made me think I was going to be surprised, and then, at the last second, it revoked it's promise.

The expectation of surprise isn't even necessary to create disappointment, though. Sometimes all that needs to happen is that I expect something - anything, really - and then that thing doesn't happen.


6/03/13

Subject went outside today. Saw object in peripheral vision that was roughly the same shape as an animal. Object turned out to be a pile of dirt.

• Subject disappointed.
• Wanted it to be animal.
• Becomes aware of object ---> decides it is an animal ---> looks at it to make sure ---> not an animal ---> disappointed.
• Subject must be thrilled about seeing animals if this disappointed about not seeing them. ???
• Subject saw an actual animal and did not appear excited.

5/29/13

For unknown reason, subject is almost always impatient to get into house. Is caught off guard by having to unlock door.

• Plan: Go into house ---> be inside house.
• Plan does not account for time it takes to unlock door.

I don't like being inconvenienced, and I especially don't like being inconvenienced too many times in a row. If something I don't like happens, then several more things that I don't like happen directly afterward, that is too many. They shouldn't cluster like that. Unfortunately, that's just how probability works.

5/24/13

The subject is having a bad day (subject does not like this day).

• Has a headache.
• Had to drive to grocery store first thing in the morning because out of half and half for coffee (already disadvantaged by headache. Should not have to do this.)
• There was a strong breeze, which made driving inconvenient.
• Had to wait in line slightly longer than normal.
• Starting raining on drive back.
• Felt extremely unfair.
• Like being persecuted.
• Weather is being unfair to the subject.
• Subject later struggled to open the half and half, mangling the spout in the process. Felt the carton should have been more cooperative. Already bad day. Headache. Wind. No time for carton's bullshit.
• Subject angrily whispering "why are you doing this?" at carton. Carton doesn't have a reason.
• As subject was drinking coffee, smoke alarm started to beep intermittently to indicate low battery. Too many things the subject didn't like had happened in a row.
• Subject so mad. Demanding "STOP IT!! GOD DAMN IT!!! STUPID BROKEN SHITFUCKER BULLSHIT SMOKE ALARM! DO YOU WANT ME TO LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND???"
• Mad.
• Yelling at smoke alarm, presumably in an attempt to punish it.

I am incensed that reality has the audacity to do some of the things it does when I CLEARLY don't want those things to happen.

7/2/13

An especially upsetting event occurred today: A garbage truck awakened the subject several hours before subject planned to be awake. Subject HATES the garbage truck for what it has done. Hates it so much that it had to get up and look at it. Stood at window looking at garbage truck and hating it.

This behavior appears to be a sort of punishment. The subject dislikes the sound the garbage tuck is making and is trying to hurt the garbage truck with its mind. This allows subject to feel in control of the situation. Like justice is occurring.

• Wanted to see the garbage truck.
• Subject attempting to punish garbage truck.
• The garbage truck does not appear to be affected.

It feels unfair when the other things in the world refuse to be governed by my justice system. To be fair, though, my concept of "fairness" is sort of questionable on the way reality actually works.

6/21/13

Subject has found a picture of an otter. Picture caused subject to feel strong feelings. Loved the otter. Agitated because cannot interact with the otter. Otter is not real. Will never interact with it. Subject feels this is not fair.

• Otter has betrayed subject by living in ocean and not magazine.

When something feels unfair, there's an application that an equal and opposite fair thing could have happened instead. What does the subject believe would be fair in this situation?

• Otter should have been real?
• Otters should not live so far away?
• Photographs should be real things and not just pictures of real things?
• Should have been portal to ocean so could shoot through & find otter?

But my rules don't account for that. I just make them up and expect them to be followed without considering how that is supposed to work. I make up new rules all the time.

"Subject doesn't like it when it is 100 degrees. Thinks this temperature shouldn't exist."

I don't even know about some of them until they are broke.

6/29/13

Subject was eating dinner at a restaurant alone. Had four chairs, only using one. Doesn't even notice other chairs until someone asks to use them. Subject suddenly becomes instinctually possessive of chairs. Feels like being robbed of opportunities. What if wants chairs back later?

• Subject agreed to let other person use chairs even though didn't want to.
• Subject can see the other people enjoying the chairs.
• Those are not their chairs, though.

My rules are inconsistent and weirdly specific, but it's still disconcerting for me when I have to watch as the other things in the world break them.

7/3/13

Subject looked outside this morning and discovered an unfamiliar vehicle parked sort of in front of house. What was it doing there? Would it be there every day? Subject didn't want vehicle to be there, but vehicle not actually doing anything wrong, so forced to endure it being there.

• Feels helpless to stop vehicle from being there. Cannot do anything about presence of vehicle.
• Vehicle was still there two hours later.

I don't like when I can't control what reality is doing. Which is unfortunate because reality works independently of the things I want, and I have only a limited number of ways to influence it, none of which are guaranteed to work.

I still want to keep tabs on reality, though. Just in case it tries to do anything sneaky. It makes me feel like I'm contributing. The illusion of control makes the helplessness seem more palatable. And when that illusion is taken away, I panic.

7/14/13

It is dark. Subject cannot see what reality is doing. May attempt to do something bad while unsupervised.

Because, deep down, I know how pointless and helpless I am, and it scares me. I am an animal trapped in a horrifying, lawless environment, and I have no idea what it's going to do to me. It just DOES it to me.

"What is reality going to do next?"

I cope with that the best way I know - by being completely unreasonable and trying to force everything else in the world to obey me and do all the nonsensical things I want. And I am embarrassed by how silly I look while I am unsuccessfully attempting to enact justice. It makes me feel ridiculous - like maybe I'm not actually very powerful.

7/10/13

Caught subject trying to punish birds today. Subject was mad at the birds because it needed to concentrate and birds were making too many sounds. Was thinking very bad things about the birds. This did not affect the birds in any way.

• Thinking bad things directly at the birds.
• The birds continued to make as many sounds as they wanted.

I'm glad there's no one else to witness me in these moments because I know what I am and I know what I'm trying to do, and that is shameful enough. I would be horrified to discover that someone was observing me with the intention of learning about my silly rules, and further observation would become very challenging because of all the fleeing and hiding.

7/23/13

Subject has become suspicious. Senses that is is being observed. Humiliated by self. Tried to hide behind couch so no one could see.

4:56 pm.

Subject still hiding behind couch. Can't see what it is doing.

4:58 pm.

Tried to sneak closer, subject fled.

• Doesn't want anyone to see.
• Running away.

6:10 pm.

Subject not cooperating with research. Has just been running away, making terrified noises.

• Subject is very fast when scared.

10:18 pm.

Subject has been cornered in an abandoned warehouse. Finally research can continue!

7:23 am.

Subject held perfectly still and didn't do or think anything for nine straight hours. May have continued doing this indefinitely if observation had not been discontinued due to concerns about dehydration.

And this is possibly the most humiliating thing of all. That I am so embarrassed about how embarrassing I am. As if I've got some sort of dignity to protect. Because I am a serious, dignified person. And I don't want anyone to know I'm not.

• On the lookout for threats to dignity. Must be vigilant. Must protect dignity.
• Doesn't actually have any dignity, but doesn't know that.